


Nothing to Lose Now That I've Found You

by lovedeterrence



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mentions of PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-10 22:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4410368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovedeterrence/pseuds/lovedeterrence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I wish they put a bullet in me.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing to Lose Now That I've Found You

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from honeymoon by lana del rey it's the new jam and also gives off that bbkaz vibe

It was not the first night the two men had spent together with bullets whizzing past them, but too much had changed.

It didn’t feel like all that long ago, but at the same time it felt like a century ago. Drunken parties at the MSF. Stolen kisses in the hallway, and sometimes more in an empty closet. Long nights, Kaz’s face on his chest, deep conversations and fingers through the blond hair as cassette tapes of their conversations were recorded. Kaz would strum his guitar and sing terribly to him on the nights he could tell that his boss was not feeling his best.

Their first night together was drunken. Both men had too much liquor and were talking about nothing in particular. Big Boss had a hard time remembering details, but maybe that was because he found what came after to be more important. Once the talking subsided, they stared at each other in silence, breathing each other in. Big Boss lifted Kaz’s sunglasses, his blue eye piercing into the other man’s and brought Kaz’s lips to his almost curiously. Kaz responded to the kiss very enthusiastically, and one thing led to another. The next morning Kaz rolled out of Big Boss’ room dressed in yesterday’s uniform, hoping that none of the MSF soldiers were around to witness this, though they both knew they were so loud that he would be surprised if the entire base didn’t hear.

Their “relationship” was an odd one, one that neither of them truly understood but also did not question. They fell into it, thoughtlessly, effortlessly, happily.

Big Boss almost wanted to smile at the memories, but this was not the time nor the place. They were in an abandoned shack, probably once used for ammunition storage. Both of them were short a limb or in Kaz’s case, two.

“Kaz? How are you holding up?” the question was quiet, but not indifferent. In fact, there was concern in Big Boss’ voice but only those who knew him well would be able to recognize it.

“How do you think?” Kaz frowned.

Big Boss couldn’t tell where Kaz’s eyes were or what emotion was in them, and he felt with a pang of sadness that Kaz might prefer it that way.

They both said nothing, the tension in the air growing, and then…

“I wish they put a bullet in me.” Kaz said, his voice broke at the last word. “I wish they fucking shot me _dead_. It would be easier! Easier than the nightmares, easier than having to live like this!”

Big Boss’ heart clenched again and again with each word. He took a shaky breath. “Don’t say that, Kaz,” was all he could muster.

“Don’t tell me what to say or not. You don’t know how it f—“

“I don’t know how it feels?” Without thinking, Big Boss lifted Kaz’s sunglasses, tossing them to the side. “I really don’t know how it feels?” He held out his prosthetic arm and removed it, allowing Kaz to take in the stump.

“At least you can be of some use!” Kaz’s eyes were wet and sad, but he kept his face angry. “Aren’t you disappointed? I’m reduced to your damsel in distress.” He spoke harshly, bitterness coating every word to mask what Big Boss knew was pain, pure unadulterated pain. “You come back expecting Kazuhira Miller, and this is what you get.”

“I didn’t get anything else. I got Kazuhira Miller.” Big Boss reached out his hand to quickly grab Kaz’s face only for the man to flinch away from the touch.

Kaz looked into Big Boss’ eye but only for a second before resuming his intense stare at nothing. “Admit it. I’m not what you wanted. I can’t do anything for you now. It would have been better if you left me for dead!” His voice was shaking.

Big Boss went in to touch the other man’s face again, this time slower. Kaz leaned into his hand slightly, and he felt wet cheeks.

“You’re everything to me, Kaz. You’re all I have left.”

Kaz looked up, frustrated, confused, and surprised at the words. Big Boss looked away, feeling slightly awkward at the sentiment he just expressed.

“Boss…” Kaz reached his hand out, gently stroking the skin that the prosthetic was no longer there to hide. “I’m nothing… They’ve left me with nothing.”

Big Boss lifted Kaz’s chin, and mashed his lips to the blond man’s for the first time in over nine years. Kaz kissed him back, breath trembling. Big Boss could picture the way his lips felt nine years ago, taking a moment to compare the kiss. Big Boss was about to depart in the helicopter to find the kidnapped Paz, and Kaz called to him, running over. He told him to come home safely, and kissed him, not caring who was watching. The blond man’s lips were much softer back then, more willing to relinquish themselves to his boss. Now they were dry, chapped all over, and cautious. But they were Kaz’s. His Kaz, his partner, his second-in-command. He kissed him deeper, stroking the remaining wetness off of his cheek with gentle metallic fingers.

“We’re going to take it all back, Kaz,” Big Boss whispered against his lips, slightly out of breath from the effort he put into the kiss.

“You’re right…” Kaz whispered it back.

“We’re done losing. From here on, we win against all odds. We win against Cipher, against anything and anyone else that gets in our way. We’ll win against the depths of hell themselves.” He spoke quietly, but the rage in his voice was clear.

“I’m with you, boss,” Kaz said, confidently, the sadness in his eyes ebbed away, being replaced with anger. This was not quite the Kaz he knew, but Big Boss preferred it to the shell of a person he was witnessing before, or so he thought. “We’ll make them pay together.”

“Are you ready, Kaz? Our new home is waiting, and once we leave this shack, we’re heading into a storm. No one will stop until we’re dead.”

“I’m ready.”

Big Boss nodded, lifting Kaz over his shoulder. He stroked Kaz’s wrist, planting a kiss on it before exiting. Everything had changed. Their life at MSF was child’s play compared to what he was taking Kaz home to, but that did not matter. They had each other. They were together and they would make this world regret turning a blind eye to their suffering.


End file.
